I've Got You
by DuhDutch
Summary: A story of a young transgender teen attempting to find his place among Black Veil Brides, despite severe social anxiety, PTSD, gender dysphoria, and more.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

We sat on the porch, watching the fireflies dance around in the grass. I heard him drag his cigarette across the cement steps, and in the next moment, the dead butt was thrown into the patch of twinkles. They scattered. I sighed.

"I'm not going away forever, Jay. Remember, my phone is always on - and the rest of them are here for you, too. They might not know your situation, but they know how to be decent human beings. Don't worry about - "

"No." I cut Andy short. "You're not going away forever, you're right. But it damn well feels like forever. We haven't spent a single night away from each other. You know that? Not one. What if something happens to you while you're away? What if something happens to me while you're away? I don't know how I'm going to get through this. Two whole months. That's 8 weeks, Andy. I can't do this by myself." I felt selfish even letting those words slip off my tongue. I promised myself I'd wait until he left before I panicked. I promised myself that I'd hide it all away until they all left. Promises to myself didn't mean crap anymore.

"Look at me. Jayden, look me in the eye, and tell me that you won't do anything stupid. Call me before you do anything that I wouldn't do. Which isn't much. But still." A lump was building in my throat. My vision was blurring from the bottom-up. I blinked the blur away, and felt wet drops fall onto my skin. A hand reached under my chin, redirecting my sight from my entangled hands. I was staring into the face of a porcelain-skinned god in the moonlight. His icy blue eyes held mine locked within them.

"I promise," I whispered. "I promise that I won't do anything stupid without calling you." The hand slid away. I closed my eyes and felt more droplets jump to my cheeks. My chest felt like it was being torn apart. Andy let out a small sigh, and we both turned to look at the small tree sitting off the walkway in front of us. His parents planted that tree when he was conceived, almost 18 years ago. It had flourished into something beautiful, just like him.

With a small cough, Andy stood up and turned around. Quietly, he went over to the door and headed back inside. I put my head in my hands. There was _no way_ this was going to be a good summer. At all.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

I rejoined everyone inside a few minutes later. They were all sprawled out across Andy's living room. CC had flung himself across the recliner, Ashley was almost upside down on the couch with Jake next to him. Jinxx was on the floor, lying like a starfish. Andy was just coming down the stairs with a planner.

"Alright, everybody. Discussion time. TV off." Ashley threw the remote, and it hit Jinxx on the back of his neck. After some grumbled swears, he turned the TV off and sat up. Andy sat on the bottom of the stairs. I went and sat next to Jake, leaning towards the arm of the couch. I didn't want to seem like I was pressing against him.

"So, obviously, we have a little extra money left over since we're driving ourselves around for this tour. Normally, we'd be hiring someone to drive for us. But since we didn't, we have a little money left over. A lot left over, actually." I couldn't even imagine what Andy was getting at. A going-away party? Great. I wouldn't even be able to enjoy his last day here (tomorrow). When he drinks, he gets hammered.

"And since none of us wanted to sleep on the couch for the 4-bunker bus, we have 6 bunks. Which leaves us with a whole extra bunk." I had a hunch at this point. I didn't want to seem greedy by thinking it, but I was hoping Andy was trying to invite me to go with them. It would be the only option at this point, right? Since he'd brought up them having an extra bunk?

"I need honest opinions here. We all know Jayden's situation. He won't be angry or disown you if you disagree - but I think we should bring him on tour with us. Who says yes, and who says no?" The room was silent in the moment of thought. It was intense. I panicked. It's a no. I can't believe Andy even thought to ask. He should've known. They'd be so uncomfortable having a transgender person on tour with them. What'll happen with publicity? What if they lose fans? What if -

My rambling thoughts were cut short. Ashley spoke up.

"I think that would be awesome. We could fuck with him more than we already do. Why not?" A small chuckle circulated the room. CC whispered at first, then cleared his throat and began again from his recliner.

"Yeah, I agree. If we have the space, and we have the money - why not? He's already like a part of us. I'm all for it." Jinxx nodded.

"Me three," he began. "It would complicate everything between all of us if one of our buddies was stuck HERE." He motioned around him. Jake was seated beside me. Not a word had left his lips. Andy raised his eyebrow and turned to Jake.

"How about you, Jake? Thoughts? Opinions?" Jake slowly raised his head, but met nobody's gaze. With a slow intake of a breath, he spoke.

"I think...well, here's what I think," he stuttered. "I think it would be an awesome opportunity for bonding and things like that. But, what happens if it doesn't go the way we plan? Like, remember in the beginning with us? With all the rehearsals and things, we were in really close quarters. We fought all the time. I don't want things to get like that with Jayden. We need a backup plan in case things don't work out. Otherwise, I think it's pretty rad." Andy nodded.

"Yeah. I definitely agree. If it gets tough, I don't want Jayden to have to be stuck with us if he doesn't want to be. And vice versa. It's going to be 8 weeks. That's a whole 2 months. It might be tough at first, especially since you guys aren't as close with him as I am." With a wink, he made my heart flutter without even knowing it. I cringed inside, hoping he didn't notice anything. We seemed clear. Everyone was absorbed into their own thoughts, probably imagining what life would be like.

"Jay, we should probably go over details and stuff tonight. Make emergency contacts, pack - the norm."

"Yeah, of course!" I chirped. I couldn't believe this was actually an accepted idea. I thought nobody actually liked me. I thought they were putting up with me because of Andy. Boy, what a day!


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

It had just gone dark, and the stars were peeking from behind their navy curtain. Reaching up, I closed my own navy curtains, and sat on the bed. Andy was on video chat with me.

"Toothbrush, toothpaste, shampoo, deodorant? Pads? Body spray, a week's worth of shirts, pants, socks, underwear?"

I sighed. He could be a mother.

"Yes, mom." I winked at my phone, propped up against the nightstand's lamp. I heard him sigh. My dufflebag was small, and I was worried. I bought it when I'd gotten my first job, in case I ever needed to run away. It wasn't supposed to hold that many things - enough to get me by for just a few days.

"I just don't want you to get upset if you leave something behind," he said softly. "I'm not trying to annoy you or stress you out, Jay." I knew that in my heart. But I was starting to get frustrated. I searched around for my antidepressants. I'd missed taking them last night - probably why I was so disraught over Andy's leaving earlier. I could feel myself teetering on the edge of a panic attack. My heart was jumpy, and my cheeks were flushed. I also grabbed the birth control that I'm supposed to take around 10 each night. An hour early wasn't too bad.

I'd made sure to pack my secondary pair of glasses. One pair made me feel like someone cool - which was probably why I didn't wear them often. I felt like a wannabe if I wore them on an 'ugly' day, but the other pair made me feel geeky and transparent. I preferred the geeky pair. The cool pair were packed in the duffle's sidepocket. The pocket also contained my essential oils. Sometimes, those were the only things to calm me down if I was having a flashback.

I took a breath and glanced at my phone. Andy was scrolling through something on his computer; his stare was aimed to the right of his camera. I studied his sharp cheekbones and jawline. They gave him an eerily attractive look. I loved it. I couldn't imagine spending 8 weeks with my best friend. Andy looked at his phone's screen.

"What're you looking at?" He asked jokingly.

"Nothing!" I countered. "I'm just excited to go with y'all. It's not every day that an opportunity like this comes up, you know?" He nodded and continued to scroll through things on his computer.

"Yeah. I know. I'm pretty hype too." Things were silent for a moment. I turned and attempted to zip the duffle. Halfway through, one zipper got jammed. Working with the other zipper, I got it to close. Hallelujah.

"By the way, Ashley wants your special coffee," Andy said. "I thought he was going to kill me when I said I didn't want to trouble you too much. So I'm not asking because I want to. I'm asking because I'm concerned about my general safety." He chuckled, glancing at the camera for a split second.

"Of course - it's not a problem. We all know how special my coffee is." I rolled my eyes. Andy and I wanted Ashley to try the gas station coffee a few months ago. He was afraid the machines were "bacteria-infested" and he didn't want to "get E. Coli from his caffiene boosts". One morning, while the boys were sleeping at Andy's, I ran out and bought them all gas station coffee. Ashley loved it. I told him I'd made it myself. Ever since then, he always hounds me trying to get me to 'make it' for him.

I flopped onto the bed, rolling onto my back. My ceiling was in terrible condition. I saw the waterstain directly above my face. We had a terribly leaky roof. There was another waterspot across the room, and one above the nightstand. If I knew it was going to rain, I ran to unplug my bedside lamp. I didn't want the cord shorting out and causing a fire if it got wet.

"Going to bed?" A voice came from my right. I gasped. I'd forgotten we were still in a call.

"Uh, yeah," I stuttered. "I think so. I'll get up at 6, go for coffee at 6:30, and come to your house by 7?" I got a nod in response. The monitor light must've gone black, because Andy's face wasn't a ghostly blue anymore. It was a normal color - except for his eyes. Oh, those eyes. My heart flipped.

I reached over with my left hand to grab my phone. Holding it over my face, Andy and I whispered our goodnights to each other - just like we had since we were little kids. I missed being little. We made the ugliest faces we could muster, and hung up. I gave a small laugh. Tomorrow was going to be the biggest day of my life.


	4. Chapter 4

I woke up with a gasp. My phone alarm was buzzing on the bed beside my face. I couldn't use regular alarm clocks - their noises scared me awake, and made me think someone was breaking into my house.

Shaking the phone to trigger the alarm silencer, I sat up and threw the sheets off. My heart skipped a beat. Today was the day.

With the smacking of feet across the hardwood floor, I ran to the bathroom. God, I looked a mess. Bags under my eyes. Hair a stringy mess. Lips covered in craters. Skin a pale, pasty mess. I was going to be such a misfit on this tour. It wasn't too late for me to back out, was it? I could drive over the coffee and just tell them I wasn't coming. It would be alright. They'd still be able to go on tour - it would be so much better without my nightmares and flashbacks witholding them from plans. That's what I'd do.

I slowly peeled my clothes off, and sighed while looking in the mirror. My breasts stared back at me. I covered them with my arms, pretending there was nothing underneath. It wasn't working. I looked down between my legs and tried to do the same thing. Nope. It was still there, and would be for a long time. Whatever. They honestly wouldn't need me anyways. I hopped into the shower, ran some Axe 2-in-1 through my hair, scrubbed my body with a soapy washcloth, rinsed, and shut the water off. I got out, dried off with a towel, and sat on top of the toilet. My heart was so heavy. I didn't mind it, though. I had a habit of enjoying wallowing in misery. I'd been doing it for so long that enjoying the emotion had become part of my character. Pathetic.

I pulled my favorite hoodie over my head. I didn't care that day's forecast was to be 80 degrees. I wasn't going to care about much. One leg at a time, I put on my favorite shorts, and my feet were put into short socks with DC hightops.

My duffel bag lay on the floor under the window. Just to make sure I stuck to my decision, I left it there. Grabbing my keys and wallet from the dresser, I opened my bedroom door, sighed, and headed out for the gas station. My heart was still in the bathroom somewhere, praying for a change in my physical figure.


	5. Chapter 5

Before I reached the top of the stairs, I knew something was wrong. There wasn't any snoring or yelling followed by hungover shushes. I tiptoed down the staircase, and was met by a nightmare. I mean, I knew that my parents had been up late last night - but I never imagined this.

The floor was covered in beer cans. My dad was slouched over the arm of the couch, face pressed up against the glass side table in a drunken slumber. My mom was sitting on the floor, arm resting up on the coffee table. She'd faceplanted into the crook of her arm. I gathered the best way to sneak out. If I stepped between the cans, I would be able to get out without making too much noise. I slipped my shoes off and crept towards the door. I heard a small noise. Turning my head, my mom was awake. Oh no.

"Brad. BRAD," she began to raise her voice, trying to arouse my dad. "BRAD, WAKE UP. WAKE UP. IT'S TRYING TO FUCKING RUN." My dad rolled to his left, now laying comfortably on his back. Still asleep.

"BRAD, WAKE UP! IT'S TRYING TO LEAVE." She slapped her hand on her face, rubbing her fingers over her clearly aching head. I hoped it hurt. Attempting to stand up, she raised a finger and lowered her voice.

"You. You little brat. You will go NOWHERE." I became angry. What if I'd wanted to go somewhere? I mean, the bag was still sitting under my window.

"Oh yeah? And who's going to stop me?" I replied. This was the most resistant I'd ever been to any of this mess.

"I -" her sentence was interrupted by a brief hiccup, "I will not stop you. But when you come back, that's what will stop you from ever going anywhere else." I was scared now. But it was too late.

"Well, maybe I won't come back! What do you think about that, huh?" I was really going too far. And I knew it. But I'd never said anything before, because I'd never had to stand up against her or my dad before - I'd never had the guts. She sat back on her heels, contemplating.

"If you do, so help you god, kid." She slumped to the floor, getting comfortable among the empty can clutter. "Actually, no." she began speaking again from her position on the floor. "I wouldn't fucking care. You're just some reject anyways, right? We could save some money on your ass." That one hurt.

"Bitch." I muttered under my breath. Her eyes popped open. I was in trouble now. She slowly raised herself back up onto her heels, and in a swift motion began picking up and chucking the beer cans at me.

"What did you call me, you little shit!?" She shrieked. The beer cans were flying over my head, but I ducked out of habit. I threw my shoes down on the floor, stomped my feet into them, and ran to the steps. I climbed them two at a time. My heart was pounding in my chest. It was time for me to get out of here. I ran into the bathroom and slammed the door. I locked it up, sat on the toilet seat, and released huge, racking sobs from my otherwise frail body. I contemplated on what to do next. I needed to get out for real. This was not a house for me - or anyone, for that matter.

I splashed water on my face and looked up at my reflection. I looked tired and worn out. I looked about ready to drop. I was scared, and unsure. But I needed to take this opportunity to make a life for myself.

I unlocked my door, tearing it open and fleeing to my room. She was on her hands and knees, attempting to crawl the stairs to fling more cans and inflict more damage. I slammed my bedroom door, ran to the window, and threw it open. I chucked the duffel out the window and swung myself into the tree outside. The door was thrown open just as my body left the house. I was clinging onto the tree, hoping I wouldn't fall to my eminent death. I slid down the trunk, praying I'd live to feel the ground beneath my feet. I hadn't left my house like this in a few weeks. There was a semifamiliar thud beneath my feet, and my ankles ached from impact. I grabbed the bag and ran.

My keys were jingling in my pocket. I didn't realize how close I was to my car until I slammed into it by accident. Shakily, I reached in and pulled the keys out of my pocket and unlocked the car. I threw my duffel bag into the passenger seat and hopped into the car. Taking a deep breath, I turned the engine on and backed out of the driveway. This was my life. My turn to make things right. Not their life, and not their turn to make it right. They'd failed too many times.


	6. Chapter 6

As I arrived at Ashley's house, I cut the engine and rested my forehead on the steering wheel. Tears ran down my cheeks, and my chest was suddenly constricted by an invisible force. My heart began to pound. I was shaking and sweating. The world began to swim in my tears. It was too much to handle.

A knock sounded on the window. I jumped with surprise as my head snapped up. Andy. Another knock and a concerned look. I sniffled and rolled down the window with the small handle by my knee. It was a 2000 Honda Accord. What could you expect? He stood there, about to cry too. I felt awful. I didn't even know if I could tour with them. I'd be too much of a bother! Maybe he'd changed his mind. Maybe someone else had changed their mind. Maybe they didn't have enough money for me.

"Are you okay?" He broke the screaming silence in my mind. How was I supposed to answer that? The truth could ruin his day. A lie would ruin another day.

"Yeah," I replied. It wasn't a lie. I was going to make myself alright. I sucked in a breath of fresh air, leaned into the passenger side, and grabbed the handles of the bag, and threw it across the car to land at Andy's feet. He'd stepped aside just in time. Something inside broke.

"Oh god," I whispered. I tore open the side pocket of the bag, revealing two broken essential oil bottles. I fell onto the ground crying. Those were the only things through my childhood to save me. I could easily get more, it was just the sentimental value of them. I felt the pavement beneath my torso. I sobbed and curled into a ball. It was weird, knowing how something so small could have such a large impact.

I shook, imagining my tears puddling beneath me. My face was scratching against the loose pebbles on the deteriorating street. Strong arms scooped me up, and I heard a small grunt of effort. I didn't even care that I was imposing more of a problem on Andy than I had originally planned to. My mind was too far gone by this point.

I was put down on something soft. I had cried so hard that my eyes wouldn't even open willingly. Choked sobs were escaping my body. Tears were streaming down onto the surface I was on. I felt broken, worthless, and sad. This world wasn't for me anymore.

I must've fallen asleep, because obviously, I woke up. I was on a couch, it felt like. It was too dark to see. I felt like I was moving...maybe on a ship? Was I on a ship? This was crazy. I felt for my phone in my pocket. My eyes tried to open, but either they were so swollen that they were unable to, or it was too dark to see anything. I managed to slide the phone from my pocket, and hit the flashlight button on the side of it. Sitting up, I realized that I had not a clue where I was at. Panic began to rise.

My head hurt, probably from all of the crying. My throat was sore and scratchy, my stomach muscles were tight, and the left side of my body was all scratched up, including my face. It didn't feel pretty at all. I was definitely moving. This was a tour bus. And I was on tour.


	7. Chapter 7

" _Andy_?!" I whispered into the darkness. I repeated the plea for help. I needed to know how I got here, what was going on, where we were going, how long I was out...pretty much everything. I hadn't felt this lost in a while. A knot built in my throat, signaling I was about to cry again. My eyes smarted, but no tears came. My breathing became shallow and restricted, my chest muscles tightening with each breath. I felt dizzy. I needed to find the answers that I didn't know. I spoke, now, not caring who I was about to awaken.

"Andy?" My voice shook, coming up past the lump at the back of my throat. I heard a grunt. At this point, I began to shake. What if Andy wasn't here? What if I'd blacked out or something and went on someone else's bus somehow? What if this was actually a public transport coach to another city that I'd gotten on? It was possible. My flashlight didn't provide much clarity as to what kind of bus I was on, or who I was with. My headache got stronger. I broke into a cold sweat, panicking more and more with each passing second. I tried to stand up. I was suddenly dizzy, probably from the rapid breathing, and lost my balance. It was like falling in slow motion. I threw my arms out in the blackness to find something to grab onto, but there was nothing. I hit my head on something hard, and I was out like a light. How ironic.

I woke up for a second time. This time, it was actually light around me. However, I was laying on my back again. It felt like I was on the same surface that I woke up on in the middle of the night. It was leathery, and stuck to any skin that was laying against it. I was definitely on a tour bus. Turning my head, the upper half of the right wall was a single tinted window. From left to right, there was a counter, a single-person booth, a table, and another booth. Following that, there was a small fridge. It was all I could see from this position. I sat up. The side of my head was throbbing. I spun my body so I was able to sit with my feet pressed against the floor. To my right, there was an armchair. There was a note on the seat.

 _Wake me as soon as you get up. I'm the top bunk on the left. I'm worried about you. I iced your head before I put you on the couch. - Andy_

Stumbling to the back of the bus, I grabbed onto the wooden frame around the bunks. There were six of them - stacked on top of each other, three on each side of the bus. There was a small privacy curtain for each. I tugged on the top left curtain. Behind it, there was Andy's precious face. Expressionless and angelic. I put my hand on his cheek.

" _I'm up_ ," I whispered. " _I saw your note_." His face was puffy from sleep. Andy put a finger up to his lips, and pulled the curtain all the way down to where his feet were. He swung himself out of bed and stood in front of me, studying the left side of my face. I instinctively reached up to touch it. I winced, and tears sprung to my eyes. Just from the light pressure of a finger, I'd given myself another headache. Andy's eyebrows furrowed, and he grabbed my hand and pulled it away from the injury. He shook his head. We went into the small bathroom that was on the left, after the bunks. I looked into the mirror and gasped.

"That happened in the middle of the night?" With a nod, he spoke. His voice was deep and rich from just waking up.

"Yeah. What happened? I came to check on you around 5, and you were passed out in the middle of the floor." I sighed and looked back in the mirror. On the left side of my face, right above the corner of my eyebrow, there was a lump the size of a golf ball. It was purple, with black veins running through it. The bruise extended about an inch all around the lump.

"I was calling for you in the middle of the night. I had no idea where I was, and tried to get up to find you. But I got dizzy and fell over." With a shrug, I continued. "Just my luck, you know?" I felt a bitter smile cross my face. Looking up into Andy's eyes, I saw that he could tell how bad things were.

"What happened before you got there? I thought everything was going alright...?" Concern was his main expression, but there was something underneath. Possibly fear? I could either come clean now about everything falling apart at home, or put it off. Tour didn't start until tomorrow officially, that's when the first show would be. But I could ruin the day off. I was so stressed already - what if they decided it was best for me to not be on the tour? Andy turned away and shut the bathroom door. When he spun back to face me, all the other emotions had left his face and were replaced with determination. He sat on the edge of the bathtub and patted the toilet seat, motioning for me to sit. I obliged.


End file.
